It's been a month...How am I? Gosh I don't know. I know that I can't erase what happened but I wish I could feel like the person I was before all of this happened. I feel older now. A relative just sent me a link to a support group for grieving mothers who lost their children to still birth or miscarriage. There was a list of things "you might be feeling" and it scared me because of how accurate it is to how I do feel today.
Depressed : check
Feel Alone: check
Overwhelmed: check
No energy: check
Guilty for what happened: check
Guilty for not being able to move on: check
After reading that list I glanced at the calendar next to my desk and saw the date. One month ago today I was unable to sleep, in pain and terrified that I might lose my baby. The next morning I did. I thought I was done crying! These little reminders come and I just can't help it. My emotions are so unstable right now that it really doesn't take a whole lot to make me lose control.
My least favorite questions these days are, "how's it going?" or "how are you today?" I'm not the kind of person to respond with a simple answer like, "Oh, I'm fine" unless I actually mean it. My responce of late is, "I'm surviving." And that's what it feels like, surviving. Two weeks from today, I'm going to be in Minnesota so that I can see my family doctor. I pray that God help Dr. Franks uncover what's going on with my body that would let this happen not once but twice. I pray that the trip will be the closure I need so that I stop spending more time looking back than I do moving forward. My career depends on it and my relationship with my husband depends on it. He has been amazing and I just want to be the support he needs right now too. The most I can offer at this point is the dishes. At least it's something...Time for bed.
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