Life update

Yes I know...I've been hiding. But here is a quick update in the life and times of the Fukura household. So much has changes since I wrote last that this might get to be quite lengthy, so if you're up for it get cozy!

So, let me think, since August, Jason got a job working as a stock photographer for www.fushionbeads.com and has been working tirelessly to get his own photography studio off the ground. He's doing well, but we're not quite ready to coast. Like any new business, there are always growing pains. Because of his two jobs, he's pretty much working all the time. So we've had to make a few adjustments to our relationship. Namely, plan out when we'll have private time together. Not only is it important from a time standpoint, but we're living on a much smaller income lately than we were six months ago, which as all married couple know causes strain in the relationship in some way shape or form. So our church life and us time have become a necessity for our relationship to thrive.

As for me, I am still teaching. This month marked a new level of growth in that I finally surpassed 20 students. The most I have gotten to yet was just under that mark, but now I am officially over. I teach three days per week and that I discovered is my teaching limit. My organization skills are being tested and I'm constantly trying to keep my head above water with the things I need to get done and working with twenty people's schedules. Do I love it all the time? No, but I love what this experience has taught me as a performer.

In October, I got to put some of those new skills into practice. I was hired to sing as a back up singer for a show at the Triple Door in Seattle. That was a lot of fun and just reminded me of how much I belong on stage. Hopefully I can keep auditioning for different projects and eventually get PAID! Wouldn't that be a kick. I did get paid for this last show, but it was only enough to recoup one day's worth of parking in downtown Seattle. It's a start...

Next for me? Well, I have been offered a position as a barista at Mercury Coffee Co. I'm happy to have this chance, because it will allow me to keep teaching and double my income. I just don't know how long my body can hold up under the new schedule I'm going to be holding. Ideally, I'd still like to find a full time job that would pay well and give me benefits so that I would only need one job. That way rehearsals and performances might be possible. I keep praying and soon I know I'll get to where I'm trying to.

That's not everything that's happened, but it's a start and I'm tired of typing. So come back soon and there will be more.

Back in the Saddle Again

I belong on stage...That's how it's always been. But in recent years, I've gotten lost in being an adult and forgot what it is that makes me tick. When I talk to people about being on stage or recall past experiences I am often reduced to tears. Not tears of sadness, but really, tears of passion. The reason I didn't go to school to be a teacher is because I never wanted being in the classroom to be an excuse for not being on stage. And here I am, teaching...

My studio has been active for almost two years now and I really do love it. Being able to share what I know with someone to help them find their inner musician is incredibly rewarding. But something has been missing ever since I left college; the opportunity to perform. At CWU I had regular auditions, concerts, master classes, recitals, and I was surrounded by other like minded individuals who spoke my language. Since graduating, the only people I interact with daily that are at my musical level is Jason and the other teachers at Spotlight Studios. Lately, it has hit me that I'm just not happy with this arrangement. I need to do more than teach I need to DO!

So, fast forward to today. I had an audition today!!! Last week, I finally got depressed enough to do something about it and so I went online to Theater Pudget Sound's website and found this audition. This seemingly small step was probably the biggest step I needed to take. I went in today, nervous as all get up, and sang for them. Walking into the room, I felt like I was auditioning for American Idol because there was a big open room, a long table, and three guys sitting behind it looking at me. Yeah, no biggie...AAAHHH!!! People seem surprised that I get stage fright. Little secret, my heart pounds uncontrollably which makes breathing from my diaphragm nearly impossible. Mostly now, my stage fright is limited to auditioning because when you get to the performance stage of the process, everything is second nature. Since auditioning is not a regular occurrence YET, it hasn't quite become second nature, I need to practice more.

With that being said, the audition went like this. I walked in and shook all of their hands then they told me how the audition would flow, no biggie (heart pounding) I smiled and nodded. They had me stand a good ten feet from the table and gave the go ahead for me to let her rip. The song I chose was "Don't Stop Believing." Confession: I've had this song stuck in my head ever since I watched the pilot episode of Glee and one of my students came into my studio to learn how to sing it. Regardless, it's a great song. My nerves got the best of my memory, so I only sang the first verse and the out chorus that everybody knows. I sang it A Capella and managed to stay in one key. My pitch was a bit off, but I hit enough notes strong enough that they could get the picture. Next on the docket they checked my range; low, chest and head. Because of the nerves, I bottomed out at F3, top of my chest voice was D#5, and my high end topped out at C6. Not a range to be ashamed of, but usually, my bottom is closer to D3 and my top is more like F6. Oh well...The last part of the audition was sight reading and part singing. They gave me eight bars of "Lady Marmalade" played through it twice and then had me sing it with two other voice parts to see how I would blend. Of everything in the audition, this part went the best, which I guess is a good thing because that's probably the hardest part. I'm not trying to brag, I just wasn't terribly happy with the rest of the audition.

They thanked me for coming in and said I'd probably have an answer sometime tonight...My audition was at 2pm and I got the call and the offer of a spot at 4pm!!!!!! Thank you God! So what next? My first rehearsal is next Saturday with two rehearsals per week and then on October 9-10, we're going to be doing some backup vocals for Mark Siano at the Triple Door. I'm so excited right now. Someone really does need to pinch me.

As new developments occur, I'll update!

p.s. The name of this A Capella group is called Elegant Catastrophe Singers.

Homeless encounter in Pioneer Square

Jason and I were in Pioneer Square on Wednesday evening. For those of you not familiar with Pioneer Square in Seattle, it's one of the oldest parts of downtown with some definite rough edges. Let's just say that during the day, no worries, however you will not find me walking around that neighborhood at night. Homeless people gravitate toward this area because of the different missions there that offer food and shelter. So expect to run into a few colorful characters when you're there. Normally, I walk past them without even giving them a look, but on Wednesday, I had a unique experience. We parked our car in a paid parking lot because we were running late for a photo shoot and didn't have time to search for street parking. As we walked toward the pay booth, this tall lanky man walked over to us and offered us some assistance. You could tell he was a 'local'. He suggested that we park on the street to save a few. Asked us where we were from. Simple things. Like I said, we were running late and didn't know where this waterfall park was that we were supposed to meet our client, so I asked him if he knew where it was. He said not only did he know where it was, but he'd be more than happy to show us the way. My knee jerk reaction was to decline, but I decided that it was ok. Should I judge him because of the way he looked or spoke? He was just being a nice guy after all.

As we walked, he introduced himself to us as Lorenzo, told a few jokes, none of which I actually understood because of his thick slang and escorted us about a block to the place we were looking for. He had a tip cup in his hand the whole time, but was quick to say that he tries to be nice to folks and offer them help with the hopes that they will tip him for his services. Sure, he expected it. And had we not tipped him, I don't know what he would have done, but there was no need to go there. He was kind to us, so we threw him a few dollars.

Not ten minutes later, another panhandler walked by and asked us for some change. When we said no, he started rambling on about how he's been hustling all day with no luck. Will I reward someone being a nuisance? Never! But if someone does a good deed on my behalf and has a need that I can exchange in return, it is my pleasure to help out.

I believe that God puts people in our lives to teach us a lesson. Thank you Lorenzo for being our teacher.

Jason's Business is Going Places!

I'm so proud of Jason. This add is going to be featured in Seattle Metropolitan Bride and Groom this summer!

Interesting Statistic

So I just did my Wii Fit Body test. Today marks the 4th Sunday of working out using this program. The chart showed something really interesting. When I started, my weight was at 156lbs. In the first two weeks, I lost maybe a solid pound plus or minus two more due to normal fluctuations. Well, the week before last, I did Arbonne's 7 Day detox cleanse and the results of this week were pretty outstanding. My weight loss for the week following the cleanse was a solid 5lbs! Numbers don't lie my friends. So if you're trying to jump start your weight loss, you should cleanse.

FC5 Update

So I've been using the Arbonne FC5 products for a few months now and I wanted to give you an update review. My normal routine these days is I use the FC5 Complexion set for Oily/Combo skin and at night, I supplement the RE9 night creme. What I've found is that I love the FC5 products, but my skin needs just a bit more moisture. I tried switching to the Normal/Dry products for a few days and I really do prefer the way the other line makes my skin feel. Using the night cream seems to do the trick. And that night cream is miraculous on my complexion. It really does heal my face while I sleep. When I wake up, my skin is so soft. I'm still prone to break outs, so I'm excited to get the new Acne Spot treatment product to take care of that aspect and I'll be set.

Besides my face, I also use FC5 in the shower. The biggest thing I've noticed about the shampoo/conditioner is that in the morning when I wake up, my hair is less oily than normal. I was a big fan of the intelligence line, but this line is so much better. Not only does it work, but it smells amazing! When I lather up the body wash you get this awesome aromatherapy effect of being in a tropical place. Now, when it's gray and raining outside, I can use a good escape. 

I've never found that I can be a head to toe user of any one line, and even though I'm supplementing a little, most of what I use says FC5 on it and that's awesome. If you want to try for yourself, let me know and I'll send you a sample to try!

Weight Update.

I just wanted to share that I am down 6lbs since I started this new routine. My clothes are definately getting looser which is so exciting. One of my big reasons for doing this is so that I could actually wear my summer clothes again. I'm on my way!

A few things that I've found have been really important is to snack throughout the day and drink tons of water. This may be a no brainer, but I've never had to really watch what I consumed up until three years ago. It's just taken me this long to do something about it. So now, Jason and I are keeping fresh produce on hand and making sure to keep our supply of Arbonne Figure 8 goodies full. We use the shakes primarily, but I also drink the tea, have the energy drinks, use the fiber and eat a few chews here and there. It's so convenient and easy to use. Even if you aren't interested in using the Arbonne products, the website the company created is super helpful for meal planning. Best part, that's all free!

Anyway off to enjoy the afternoon. Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone!

Losing Weight with Figure 8

Hello all! I wanted to give you all a heads up about what's coming. By now, I hope you all know that I'm an Arbonne advocate and am thrilled with this company. Well, this note is both an invitation and a statement of conviction. 

First the conviction: With everything that I've gone through over the last 9 months my body has not reacted well and I've added some poundage to my waistline. NOT COOL! So two weeks ago, Jason and I bought a Wii Fit as a way to motivate us to become more active. In addition to the Wii Fit, I'm also committing today to truly do the Arbonne weight loss challenge. I've been using their products regularly for a while now, but not diligently. All that is changing. I want to fit into my skirts again and be happy with how I feel about myself. I owe this to myself! So far, I've lost a solid 3 pounds from my new routine and in the next 30 days, I plan on losing another 10lbs. 

So now, the invitation: Join me. I challenge you to try Arbonne's weight loss program consistently for 30 days. The company has a 45 day money back guarantee so if you aren't happy with the results, you can send them back. Then, on May 19th, I'm going to have a Figure 8 weight loss party at my house where I invite you all to join me and see the results for yourself so you have proof that it works. I'll have all the products there to try so you can try before you buy. I will be posting regular updates! 

Sincerely,

 Cari 

for more info on Arbonne's weight loss plan visit www.figure8.com

Big Changes Ahead.

So yeah, it's been a while since I've blogged...Busy life I guess. Lately Jason and I have gone through a lot of anxiety over what's going to happen in a few months. Even though I know it will all work out, not having even the slightest idea of what to expect is both terrifying and thrilling. I suppose I should back up and explain...

Jason has been unhappy at his teaching job pretty much since he started there. At first he chalked it up to being a new teacher with normal growing pains. By the end of his first year, he actually was pretty psyched about teaching the next year. After the first week of school with year number two, we were concerned because this year, which was supposed to be better than the first was harder. If it hadn't been for the 9th graders of that year, I don't know what he would have done to find any kind of joy in his job. By the end of last year he was discouraged but determined to really give this job a chance to succeed so here we are in year number three...He turned in his letter of resignation last week.

What now? Well, with the current job market, it's been tough searching for jobs that would even consider a couple of musicians. Even as a receptionist. I guess other people are better qualified at answering phones and making copies than we are (Sooo frustrating). My studio is stable and even growing a little, but it would really hurt us to be living off of my income solely. Not only would our cash flow be gone, but we'd have no insurance to cover our medical expenses. Another baby isn't in the cards for a few more months at least but once it does happen, we're going to need medical coverage. The only prospect I have currently is at the Seattle Opera. I tried getting a job, but they're hurting like everyone else right now and therefore, not hiring. For now, I'm going to volunteer there to get my face and name out there and hopefully a job will open up soon.

Another possibly option would be for us to head east. Jason is actively building his portfolio and is thinking about getting his masters degree in photography. This would give him more education, more reputation, and the credibility to teach at the collegiate level. I've thought about getting my masters since I would be right there, but I'm still on the fence as to whether or not that's the best option for me.  We'll see.

Say a prayer for us.

Photography event

I just wanted to spread the word that Jason is doing a photography special this month. Check out his website for details. www.jasonfukura.com

Close Call!

Today I listened to the wind howl. Most of the time, I like that sound. It just makes you want to curl up with a blanket and read a good book. This time was a bit different. We have some bamboo privacy shades that hang out on our covered patio that tend to fall down when it gets windy. After listening to them bang around for a while I started to think that perhaps I should go take them down before they blow out of the yard. I was instantly inspired to take action when I heard this loud cracking sound. It lasted for at least 5 seconds. I thought, "Crap I think I lost one of them." So I look out my window and see that two had fallen and the third had flipped up over the covered patio and was banging against the top of it. I put my shoes on to take care of it, walked outside my house, looked to my left and BAM! 

What I saw, were two 50' Fir Trees from my neighbor's yard lying across our backyard. That loud crack I heard was the sound of limbs snapping. Standing there, I was overcome with relief because if that tree had come down in the other direction, I'd probably be looking for a new place to live. I'm also relieved that Jason took himself into work this morning because if he hadn't, our car would have been seriously damaged...Jason seemed a bit bummed by this. He wouldn't mind to have insurance buy us a new car. I laugh.

The rest of the afternoon became a neighborhood party. Everyone came over to see our backyard. We all laughed about the fact that it took a natural disaster to have us all meet like that and perhaps we should have a party on purpose next time. And then my neighbor Peggy, who happens to be one of our landlords, got all excited because being the master gardener that she is, saw this as an opportunity to redecorate. I love it. We're all safe and will have this memory to look back on as our close call.

As you can see, the root system wasn't all that dee.

Our poor apple tree...

p.s. tomorrow, there's a chance of snow. I don't get it.

Spring in Seattle

Spring is my absolute favorite time of year. I've never been a fan of the cold so spring naturally lifts my spirits. Yesterday was beautiful in Seattle! Jason and I decided to enjoy it so we packed up our cameras and headed to the Arboretum in Seattle. If you have the chance, I highly recommend it. The gardens there are made up of plants native to this area, which means there are Rhododendrons everywhere along with majestic Douglas Fir trees intermingled with Japanese Maple (one of my personal favorite trees) Right now, the gardens are beginning to show their color. Pink blossoms, yellow daffodils, crimson rhododendron, are everywhere! I'm in heaven. It's good to escape the city for a while and be able to appreciate the beauty of God's creation. Sure, the Arboretum is within earshot of interstate 520 and there were a number of planes that flew overhead so you didn't forget where you were, but it does feel like you're in a secret place. I'm a fan. I took a bunch of pictures and once I upload them to my computer, I'll post a few here to share. Happy Spring!

Nigiri Camera

Happy St. Patrick's Day

     Am I Irish? A little... I love holidays like this in America, because pretty much everybody comes from such a diverse heritage that the chance you are a wee bit Irish is pretty darn high. I used to have more than I do now. How is that possible you ask? A few years back, one of my mom's sisters was doing a little geneology searching and came across this man in Missouri. He claimed to be of Irish descent, black Irish I believe, and was given the right to a stake of land. This guy must have been a clever bloke because he in fact wasn't even remotely Irish. Not one hair on his head. Nope. He was just a really convincing Native American who wanted a piece of the pie but knew that his chances of succees increased dramatically if he passed off as an Irishman.

     I need to find out who in my family was responsible for uncovering this story because in my book, that's pretty legendary behavior and I don't want this story to be lost to time. This is one I'll be telling my grandkids. Mostly, I just want to know this guy's name.

     That's my one Irish story. My dad's family has some Irish in it, so I can somewhat claim today as a holiday of my own. But the posing Irishman is my only Irish story. Sad...Oh well! Have a beer! Happy St. Patty's Day!

Jason's Photography www.jasonfukura.com

Jason and I recently went to the park and had fun with the camera. Here are two that I enjoy.

Fun portrait.

Jason does let me hold his camera!

March Madness

This month marks a lot of new beginnings for me. First of all I feel like myself again thanks to the treatment I'm on after last months fiasco. Not only do I have more energy, but I actually want to get out there and work. It's also amazing that all of this is happening while the lilies and daffodils are starting to bloom marking that spring is finally here. I've missed the sunshine. It makes me happy.

Other changes are the fact that I am on the job hunt. I haven't lost any job or anything, but I think it's time to get a job that will keep me on a full schedule. Working on a schedule helps me focus and right now, my schedule revolves around eight hours of teaching per week and other commitments scattered here and there. Another reason for the job hunt is that Jason is changing careers soon and is unsure of his future career path. So by me finding a job now, it'll take the pressure off of him when he's able to start his transition. 

I know I can't be too picky, but ideally, I'd love to get a job working for one of the local theater companies. I've missed the theater environment and would love to get back into that scene and since I need benefits, auditioning for shows is not the way to do it. If I can't find a job in that arena, then I'm open to pretty much anything. So if you have any ideas...

Some of you are probably wondering, "Cari, what about babies?" My doctor told me to hold off on pregnancy for at least 9 months in order to let my body completely recover. And I'm emotionally ready for a break from this idea of being a mom. In 9 months, we should be well established in our new working situation and can then discuss the possibility of having another baby. I do want to be a mom someday, but right now, I'm trying to find the bright side of why I'm not hugely pregnant right now. This time I have right now, is like another chance for me to make things happen in my life before children become the primary focus. I still want to perform and make a living on that and I still love Arbonne and am excited to see where that will take me. Why not go for it? It sure beats sitting at home.

Pray for me...

Minnesota healing trip

I'm home now! Yay! I had a fantastic trip to Minnesota, but I'm happy to be home and see my honey. It's nice to be away from the one you love the most so that you remember just how amazing they make you feel. There's no doubt that I love my Jason.

So the trip. If you're reading this, you're probably curious how it went. The trip as a whole was exactly what I needed. In the last week I found out that the miscarriages I had weren't my fault but the fault of a deer tick. That's right, Lyme disease. It's curable, but shocked the pants of me none-the-less when I found out. Talk about being from left field. My doctor said that when you have Lyme, your adrenal glands are so overworked trying to keep some balance in your body that I was just too tired and sick to carry a baby. The loss of our two children will always be a sad thing for me, but with this new knowledge, I'm free of the guilt of this being my fault. And with that a huge weight has been lifted off of me. Thank God! And I mean that. Thank you God!

The frustration came because my doctor is not your average MD. He's actually a highly skilled chiropractor who practices applied kinesiology. Therefore, he is unable to write prescriptions. There is a specific antibiotic that I need to take, but I spent 8 hours in clinics being tested for everything from mono to my thyroid and no one would treat me for what I have. I'm still waiting on that one to pan out. Knowing what I need to feel better, but not being able to get my hands on it is devastating, but I'm trying to be patient.

This trip was also an emotionally healing adventure. I got to go visit Bethany Lutheran College, my old stomping ground and visited with some old friends that I adore. The best moment there was with Jake. I'll never forget this moment and the impact it made on me. He's the lighting designer now for the theater department and has his office in the lighting booth of the theater. I went to see him and we talked and talked like no time had passed. Then after a while he took me down on stage, but note that before doing so, turned off the house lights and put a spotlight on center stage. I walked out on that stage with tears welling up in my eyes. That was my home while I was at BLC and it had been six years since I had stood there. As I approached to circle of light, the lump in my throat got bigger and the moment my feet entered into that spot, I lost it. I was so overwhelmed that I lost it. Jake smiled and said, "Step into it Cari. Come on! You know you want to." As I stepped forward and the warm light hit my face, the faucet was turned on even higher and I couldn't control the sobs. Jake, so sweet, came over to me with open arms and I buried my face into his shoulder. That moment is going to last my whole life. Thank you Jake for being such a good friend to me. I needed you that day. I should mention that Jake was sick as a dog that day and when I called him, he was warm and cozy at home, but because I was on campus, came in to see me. That's a true friend.

That's just one story, but there are many more. Perhaps, when I have more time, I'll tell more of them. Just know that I'm so much better than when I left and I will be completely healed soon...  stronger than before.

Mercedes

Tonight...it's late...Jason's been asleep for a few hours...typical for us...I should follow suit...but I wanted to jot down a quick note about today. I had a good day. Today was Jason's birthday! Sadly I had to work most of it, but overall I had a good day. This afternoon I had a meeting with my friend Bekah about Arbonne and on the way there I spotted, count 'em, eleven Mercedes Benz's. Now for those who aren't aware, that is going to be my next car and best of all, Arbonne is going to pay my car payment for me. So from here on out, every time you see a Mercedes cruizing down the pavement remember that's going to be me by the end of this year! That's my goal! Would you like one too?

One month later

It's been a month...How am I? Gosh I don't know. I know that I can't erase what happened but I wish I could feel like the person I was before all of this happened. I feel older now. A relative just sent me a link to a support group for grieving mothers who lost their children to still birth or miscarriage. There was a list of things "you might be feeling" and it scared me because of how accurate it is to how I do feel today.

Depressed : check
Feel Alone: check
Overwhelmed: check
No energy: check
Guilty for what happened: check
Guilty for not being able to move on: check

After reading that list I glanced at the calendar next to my desk and saw the date. One month ago today I was unable to sleep, in pain and terrified that I might lose my baby. The next morning I did. I thought I was done crying! These little reminders come and I just can't help it. My emotions are so unstable right now that it really doesn't take a whole lot to make me lose control.

My least favorite questions these days are, "how's it going?" or "how are you today?" I'm not the kind of person to respond with a simple answer like, "Oh, I'm fine" unless I actually mean it. My responce of late is, "I'm surviving." And that's what it feels like, surviving. Two weeks from today, I'm going to be in Minnesota so that I can see my family doctor. I pray that God help Dr. Franks uncover what's going on with my body that would let this happen not once but twice. I pray that the trip will be the closure I need so that I stop spending more time looking back than I do moving forward. My career depends on it and my relationship with my husband depends on it. He has been amazing and I just want to be the support he needs right now too. The most I can offer at this point is the dishes. At least it's something...Time for bed.

New Products from Arbonne test #1

Arbonne is launching a new product line on Feb 1st. Because I'm a district manager, I was able to preorder the whole line of products at a discount so that I could check them out for myself. Well, my order came today and here is what I've found after immediately trying them.

As a little background on my skin, I have sensitive acne prone skin that fits into the combination category quite nicely. My breakouts are closely related to my monthly cycle like many other women, but I also have a horrible habit of picking at my face which leaves icky scabs and redness. Yeah, I know, I'm trying to quit.

So with that being said, here are my initial thoughts on the new FC5 line for combination/oily skin. The product line consists of the Purifying Cleanser + Toner, Oil-Absorbing Day Lotion with SPF 20 and a Mattifying Powder. In addition I used the Exfoliating New Cell Scrub and Hydrating Eye Creme which are intended for all skin types. First off, they smell great! This line is built on using kiwi, strawberry, carrots, mango, and pumpkin so I would expect nothing less. The best part about how they smell is that the scent is 100% Natural! So yeah, I love the scent. The wash didn't lather up as much as some other washes do, but I could feel it on my face so I wasn't worried. It's a super light gel wash and really felt awesome. The Scrub was my favorite one to try. I tend to need exfoliating more than others because of my complexion issues. The texture is super fine so that people with sensitive skin shouldn't be too worried about irritation from the granules. My skin looked brighter afterwards. And the last things I applied were the Day lotion and the eye creme. I know I need moisture, but I hate that often I feel shiny after I apply it. Not with this one! I'm stoked! And the eye creme is fantastic! I don't know what else to say. I'll make sure to write an update after I have a few more days to try it.

Friends throughout our lives

I was just over at Facebook, a large personal addiction of mine, and a friend wrote a poem that touched my heart. The context of the poem is that this girl just graduated from college, got married, and moved to a new part of the country all within a few years. It's that jumping off point that so many of us take time and time again. And in taking this leap of faith into something new and unknown, we are often separated from the people we've come so close to. Let's face it, when you move on to something new in your life, it's extremely difficult to hang on to the people of our past.

This person could have been your roommate from college that now lives on the opposite coast. It could be an old boyfriend who is now married to another friend of yours that you're just so ecstatic to see together. It may be the teacher that helped you reach that next level of greatness that you never knew you could reach. It may even be someone you never liked in the past, but now are finding a new found appreciation for the person they have become. It could be a thousand different people who now you don't really feel like you know anymore and it's easy to forget what an impact they made on who you are now.

My life has been blessed with many new faces and new beginnings. I can't say that I grew up in any one place. It happened for me all over the country. And through my life, I've met so many people that are still on my heart even if they're digits aren't in my cell phone. They helped me find my passion. They led me to the love of my life. They prepared me for the hurt I've had to endure recently and they've instilled me with a hope that the future will be blessed and bright.

I think that's why I love things like Facebook. It has allowed me to reconnect with hundreds of these people from my past that I otherwise might hear a rumor of through the grapevine but never actually confront again. I am thankful for them whether they know it or not. I'm thankful.

Jason's Photography

This picture is from Jason's wedding portfolio. I am so incredibly proud of what he's accomplished with his business. He has such talent and such an amazing point of view in his work. But don't take my word for it. Check out his stuff for yourself. Oh and just so you know, he's offering a deal on all his packages for Valentines Day. So tell your friends to check out his site at: www.jasonfukura.com !

Thanks.

Moving forward

I'm feeling so much better today. I'm finally getting sleep again which helps so much and my horomones seem to be returning to normal. Jason might argue that my normal is still a bit extreme, but I'll quickly remind him that that's why he loves me. We have such an amazing relationship. I feel highly spoiled often and am always relieved that he is a patiant guy. My housewife skills are somewhat lacking. Since we've been married, I haven't quite gotten a hang on revolving my life around laundry and dishes. I'm working on it and he knows it.

So for some of you who take a look at this blog of mine don't really know what I'm up to these days, so I'm going to divulge some of my daily life here for all to see. Wow that sounds so epic. I mean, yeah, I'm thrilled with my life, but I'm not sure I'll get a book deal for it. Besides being a struggling housewife, I wear the hat of Arbonne consultant, voice teacher, piano teacher, choir director, photographer's assistant, and lover of all things food related. My daily jobs would be as an Arbonne consultant, which I love, and two days a week teaching private lessons in a studio I rent in Woodinville.

Having the music studio is amazingly fulfilling because I'm actually getting the respect I worked so hard to acheive in college...and it's nice getting paid for it too. When I was in college, I would proudly tell people that I was going to school to be a starving artist, but I'm happy that at least I'm making a living at it. I still see myself moving more toward performance but for now I'm learning as much as I can about the voice and my craft by teaching it to others. Performing right now is primarily at church. The people there have found me out and I'm glad they did. I love to use my voice in worship and I feel that this gift God gave me is being put to good use for His praise and glory.

My other job is as a consultant for Arbonne. I'm currently a District Manager working my way up toward my Mercedes Benz and beyond. Having a music degree, I never knew what I would do for a day job while I was getting my music career off the ground. Well, Arbonne fell into my lap about a year and a half ago. Thank heavens it did. I've matured as a woman by the relationships I've developed and have a career surrounded by people I call my friends. There's nothing but support when I'm with my team. This business is allowing me to build a life alongside my day job that's going to give Jason and I a bright future. In a nutshell, I'm happy.

A week later

Today is Sunday. I usually look forward to Sunday morning. By now during the week, I usually need a little spiritual refueling. Today was different. I had to force myself to get out of bed and get ready for church. I was dreading having to face that many people at once after losing the baby. Yes, they're all there to support us, but after such a great weekend, I just didn't want to be sad yet. But, willingly or not, I went. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I cried to myself a little bit, but I made it through. And now I've spent the afternoon sleeping and feeling dizzy from lack of hydration I believe (I know, I know, no lecture necessary). Jason and I plan to have a nice dinner for two. I'm looking forward to that.

We had a great time celebrating my birthday. On my birthday, Jason made me pizza from scratch. It was not bad for his first attempt. I love having a husband who cooks. He really does spoil me. The next day, Friday, Jason took a personal day so that we could celebrate my birthday in style. We drove up into the mountains to a little town called Leavenworth. It's one of our favorite places to go to because, well for one thing, it's absolutely breathtaking, has tons of outdoor adventure activities, and it's decorated to look like you stepped into Bavaria. It's a great escape.

Our adventure in Leavenworth started with snowshoeing along the Icicle river. Jason and I love to go on hikes and explore. It was the first time all week that I was truly happy and completely forgot about the baby. I wish we could have gone longer than we did, but my body isn't quite back to normal and I'm just trying to take it easy for now. The rest of our time there was spent walking through the town window shopping and enjoying each other's company. It was a much needed adventure. For us it was important to have something truly substantial to remember about this birthday other than what happened last week. I think Jason did a bang up job of making that happen. I can't imagine my life without him.

Year 26 begins

Tomorrow is my birthday. It seems rather anticlimactic this year in light of rescent events. In many ways it's just a reminder of what happened this passed weekend. Here I get to celebrate 26 years on this planet which is something my babies won't be able to do. I know that it was all in God's hands and that really our babies are much better off in heaven, but the days of their scheduled birth will always be a reminder of their absense in our lives. It's the selfish aspect of mourning. We don't mourn for the people that die, we mourn the absense of them in our life.

I got to thinking about it in the car earlier today about what it feels like to loose a baby to miscarriage. When anyone you love dies, it creates a hole in your heart, and that hole can be filled with all of the love and memories that you have of them in your life. It will never be the same as having them there, no, but at least it's a way to fill the void. Well, when you lose a child in this fashion that hole is left unfilled because you don't have memories of them to fill it with. The only picture I have of the baby we lost last week is an ultrasound picture which looks like a dot, not a baby. That's what I have left. It's really difficult to mourn someone you've never met.

So tomorrow, what am I doing to celebrate my birthday? Well, I have to go to the DMV and renew my driver's liscense (exciting, I know). Then tomorrow afternoon I teach a few lessons and finally, Jason has agreed to make dinner and a cake for me for tomorrow night. He already bought me my birthday present at Christmas so I told him to just run around the house and wrap some of my stuff up. You see, we always try to put a limit on our spending for each other at Christmas because then we can have a bit more to spread around to other people. Well, the past few years, he's exceded the limit by getting a few higher priced items (last year it was a Zune and this year it was a beautiful silk robe) so those always become my birthday presents. Clever guy, huh? I love him.

So, here's to my birthday. Hopefully it will be the turning point to bigger and better things to come.

Numb

I can't believe I am having to say this for the second time. Going through it is bad enough, but having to say it out loud is a whole other kind of torture...
After some complications this week, I had another miscarriage this morning. I started spotting on Wednesday after my first prenatal visit Tuesday. As I had said, everything looked good that day. When the spotting started, I thought, "Ok, this is normal after that kind of exam," prayed continuously, and took it easy. On Thursday it was unchanged, so on Friday morning, I called my doctor. She told me not to worry and to take it easy this weekend, so I did. I barely stood up that day...
Friday evening the cramping got worse and I had a hard time sleeping. I didn't fall asleep until almost 1am and was wide awake again at 4am. The cramps were worse and the bleeding was worse and...well...I miscarried at home this morning. Jason got me to the hospital where we went through the miscarriage routine once again. At times it felt like dejavue. We were ushered into the same exam room, I had the same ultrasound tech, and it took as obsenely long as last time for them to tell me what I already knew in my heart to be true. The baby was gone.

This experience will stay with me for the rest of my life and I will forever feel that pieces of my heart died with them as is the case when we lose those we love. The only images of my babies are in my dreams I had while pregnant. With the first miscarriage, I felt I had lost my son and this time, in my dreams I had held a beautiful baby girl close to my chest.

I have to stop now. The tears are too much. Please pray for Jason and I that we can remain each other's rock and that we can find peace after this tragedy. We'll be ok, but it's going to take time.

Dr Appt.

Jason and I went to my first prenatal appointment today. It went well. I went in about a month ago for bloodwork and basically I'm fit as a fiddle. The doctor did a bunch of poking around and confirmed that our baby is about 10 weeks along as of today. That's what I had thought originally, but after having the early ultrasound, the due date might be a bit later. The nurse told me that after next week's ultrasound if the development is more than five days different than what they told me, perhaps they'll change the due date. But really, the due date is just an estimation anyway. My hope is that our little one won't be born on August 4th. Call me selfish, but that's our wedding anniversary, and I'd rather have two different days to celebrate.

Next step from here: ultrasound #2 next Wednesday. I don't think there's any pressing matter to having this one other than for us to have something to gauk at. Even the doctor, when we said the last ultrasound was done at about 4 1/2 weeks was like, "Oh no! You need a better picture than that!" We're not complaining. The dot in the first one was cute, but I'd rather see a little baby. And I think it will help Jason feel a bit more convinced of what's going on with me other than my raging horomones.

So what is my due date? August 3, 2009

Doctor visit

Tomorrow is the big day; my first prenatal visit with my OB! I feel like I've been holding my breath up until this point waiting for something to go wrong again and burst my bubble. Tomorrow, I'm hoping to be able to start breath normally again.

Because of having a miscarriage earlier this fall, I was given priority at the doctor's office to be seen. I called the office and the next day went in for an ultrasound and blood work. At the time, I thought I was about 6 weeks along at which point I should have seen a tadpole with a pulse, but it turned out I was more like 4 1/2 weeks pregnant so all I saw was a little dot. She zoomed in on it, which did make me feel better, but I was really wanting to see that heartbeat. I had just read in a magazine that as soon as the baby has a heartbeat, the chance of miscarriage drop to something like 2%. That wasn't in the plan for us and all I saw was my dot. The ultrasound tech assured me that I was indeed pregnant and that I shouldn't be worried.

So tomorrow, what I'm most looking forward to is being able to see my baby now that it's going to be 9 weeks along and looking more like a baby with a heartbeat. I must admit, I've become addicted to checking websites on pregnancy almost daily, so I'm pretty familiar with fetal development. After my appointment, I promise to share the newest baby picture.

Baby news!

So it has happened. Jason and I are expecting a baby. I found out on December 8th, I believe. After having sneaking suspicions for about two weeks prior to that I went and got the infamous pregnancy test. The results for that test were immediate. Two lines! I stood there for a few moments in disbelief and excitement. Then all the anxiety hit about this pregnancy because of losing the last one. I dropped to my knees and said a prayer that God would watch over us both. I prayed that this was a healthy pregnancy and that I wouldn't have to go through the experience of a misscarriage so soon.

Well, God answers prayers because now, I'm 9 weeks along and feeling more and more pregnant every day. I've never been so happy to feel like crap. Morning sickness hasn't reared its ugly head for me, but I have many other less than desireable things going on with my body. My blood sugars are out of control. If I don't eat, bad things happen. It's like Dr Jekel and Mr. Hyde bad. I'm learning quickly that food should be with me at all times. Then, everyone might be spared the moodiness that is pregnant Cari.

That's another one: mood swings. A few days ago, Jason and I were discussing that we would like to get rid of the couch because it just takes up so much space. Well, being Mr. Assertive, the next day, Jason posted the couch on Craigs list for sale. Within an hour he had a responce on the add and four hours after that, the couch was gone. When I found out that the couch was going away, I lost it. I started crying and no matter what Jason did to calm me down I just kept gaining momentum with my tantrum. The best part about this was that I didn't even like the couch! There was no good reason for me to be acting so irrationally, but I was.

Being pregnant is a learning experience. In many ways, I feel like a little kid who needs to be taken care of. Though, because I love my husband, I'm going to make every effort to keep my horomones at bay and be the perfect 'in the kitchen, pregnant and barefoot' wife I can be.